


If Only He Knew

by WriteWhenYouCan



Category: SEAL Team (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Hurt Clay Spenser, Hurt No Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:28:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23766913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WriteWhenYouCan/pseuds/WriteWhenYouCan
Summary: As Clay walks away from his team, his family ; Clay reminds himself why he's doing it. Post 3x17 - Drawdown
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40





	If Only He Knew

**Author's Note:**

> It’s my first story ever, please bear with me any mistake is mine, I don’t have any beta.

Walking outside the wire, leaving his team behind was the hardest thing he did.

Jason didn't give him any other option, told him he was out. He never wondered or pushed to know exactly WHY he was going for STA21.

Like everything else, it was Jason's way or you were out. Did it with Ray, doing it with him now, who would be next ? Would it take another tragedy to get him back on the team ? Even if temporary ?

Did Jason forgot about Steve, Echo team and Adam ? The system is failing. Something has to change.

Walking away, Clay wonders if Jason knows Swanny is always the first thing he thinks about in the morning. When his leg is sore from the night, he can't help but think about Swanny trying to cheer him up and so can't help to think how he failed him. He still has nightmares. Hard, painful nightmares that leave him awake for hours or running for the bathroom. That usually happened at home. Maybe because it's where he has most of his memories with Swanny. He doesn't talk about it, but in those moments he feels ashamed. He's a man not a kid, he should shake it off but he can't. He failed him. He didn't get the help he needed. He remembers every second of that horrific day. Remember the pain finding him and falling onto the ground with his dead body. And then calling the cops, explain everything, needing help to go back home. Going back to his place, with his post-it notes everywhere, his clothes, his stuff. Finding the videos. Watching them. Over and over again. If only he knew about YODO meaning sooner, he could have saved him. He wasn't sure of a lot of things but this he was sure. Scrap that he could have saved him, he SHOULD have saved him. Which team guy was letting his brother die ? The signs were there, if only he wasn't so focused on his recovery... He stills watch the videos, when he thinks about his place on the team, when he thinks about his miraculous recovery. He doesn't forget why he can do what he loves. Swanny gave him the force to fight his way back to Bravo.

Maybe Jason is right, he already has a foot out. But he's wrong on the why. He wants justice for Swanny. Being an admiral can give him the power to change the future of the guys. To give them the help they need when they need it. If Jason can't understand it then he really doesn't have his place on the team anymore.

Thirty Mike, the stupid punk, sold him out after spying his Skype Calls with Rebecca. He wanted to find the right time to talk about it with Jason, but the lack of action was getting on Jason nerves and there wasn't a good time to sit down and explain everything.

Now he's on his way out and Jason doesn't even say goodbye. Okay he is pissed. He gets it. How the team is changing, Sonny still back in Texas giving everybody the cold shoulder, Ray and his Warrant Officer commission and now him leaving. He doesn't even think about Vic, that garbage guy got what he deserved.

But Ambassador Marsden was right, the boat needs to be rocked. Things need to change. She was a true hero. In her death she gave him another fight to add to his list. She put Rebecca on his route even he doesn't know if it'll go anywhere in the future. While she seems supportive, it bothers him she didn't even looked like sad he was leaving for 3 months. And with Stella back in town, he left with a heavy heart. Rebecca was pushing him to move on, to leave his team while Stella was there when he made it to the team, she was there when he suffered all the losses of the past 3 years. She was there, listening and encouraging him to contact his father to get Swanny's story known. He can't help but wonder if Rebecca will support him the same way or rather use his pain to do another political move. Brett Swann deserved the best and his story should not being used as a pawn to get to Capitol.

Walking, leaving the base, hoping to have a family to come home to, the only thought Clay has is

This is for you Swanny,

I won't fail you this time.


End file.
